Sunny with Cloudy Periods

Let's face it.  Not every moment in one's weight loss or fitness journey is sunshine and rainbows.  And if yours has been, then no sarcasm intended, good for you.

Mine, however, has been as much as a mental battle as it has been physical.

This time around I've been really really trying to be positive.  I'm trying not to sit in front of my mirror picking every little thing apart and failing to see the good.

Spending a good chunk of my time at my cottage this weekend, the clouds started to roll in and I was having trouble pushing them away.

The good:  Spending two hours out on the lake bass fishing with my dad and best friend soaking up the rays.   My grandfather was a fishing guide, and I dare say his genes live on with me.  There is nothing better than some sun, the quiet of a lake, and the promise of a good fishing spot.  I felt totally relaxed in that 12' aluminum boat.

The bad:  We went out on Saturday evening in the pontoon boat for a swim and to  visit family friends.  Unfortunately, that meant putting on a swim suit.  AND I forgot to grab a tank top and workout shorts.  Which wouldn't be the end of the world, except I only have bikinis right now.... and well... I'm just not feeling comfortable squeezing into them. 

My bikini purchase from last year (@ about 165lbs).  I had it on this weekend and felt so uncomfortable.  It felt like it was tight in the wrong places and not flattering at all.  It heightened the one thing that tends to give me the most anxiety of all about this journey:  those who have seen me at my smallest will judge me for getting 'big' again.  Even though I'm healthier and more active than I was the last time at this weight, I'm still AT THIS WEIGHT.

I spent the last 24 hours on a bit of a rollercoaster trying to shove the self-esteem issues away and let myself be comfortable as me so that I can concentrate on pushing myself harder in the gym and making me the best me possible.  If that means that I don't make it to 135lbs but I'm as healthy as I can be and I've reached my fitness goals, then so be it. 

And heck, maybe I can rock a bikini at 175lbs.