The Number Game

I had a thought yesterday. 

Actually, I surprisingly have many thoughts on a regular basis but not every one of them is sane. 

My thought was this:  I've spent a majority of my 26 years focused on numbers.  My pant size.  The number on the scale.  How many points/calories I've ate.  How many times did I go to the gym that week. 

I've done away with two of these numbers.  I haven't set foot on a scale in over two months.  It has been the most freeing experience of my life.  Especially because I take pictures of my progress every month or so.  I don't have shitty days because I weighed myself.  I don't beat myself up over not losing from one week to the next.  Oh I pigged out on sushi and have sodium bloat?  I don't react twice as bad since I don't see the number momentarily go up.

I've also stopped counting calories.  I try to fit too much crap into my day if I do.  Instead, I give my body what it wants (even if it means a burger and fries or chocolate).  I don't care about calories.  I care about maxing my protein which seems to mean I eat less.

I have one more to give up this week. 

My pant size. 

I'm not sure what I started out as prior to this journey.   I know I had a pair of size 12 jeggings that were pretty snug and some stretchy lulus.  But that's about the extent of what I wore.

I now seem to be about an 11/12. 

But really.  What does it matter?

As long as I'm healthy, happy, and seeing strength gains and body composition gains, I don't need to worry about fitting into a size 8.  It's been my goal for so long to get back to an 8.  Today, I'm letting it go.  I may get back there one day or I may not.

I thought about why I wanted an 8 sooooo bad.  It's all I've wanted for 2 years.  I realized it's because it's not a "plus size" number.  Sure, I guess a 12 is considered the plus size, but a 10 is still double digits.  In my head, I needed to shun that number.  *please note I think all women are beautiful no matter what their size.  It was something I had built in my head.*

You know what?  I don't care anymore.

I'm happy with my progress.  


Numbers are just numbers.  They can't hurt me.