Why Hello Again Blog World

I wrote new blog posts probably once a month since I went MIA on here.  Well, more like I wrote half of them and then deleted them all or left them unfinished.

I had too much on my mind to make a cohesive post.  Hell, I still do.   I questioned why I was even blogging.  I didn't really feel I had anything unique to bring to the conversation.  I eat.  I crossfit.  I do a few fun things here and there.  I'm not any different than the average health/fitness blogger.  

And then yesterday I decided, who cares?  Why should I write this for anyone but me?  I've always only ever wrote for me.  Yeah, people read it.  Even people who know me in real life.  But this little space here is all mine.

So here's my post for today.  Maybe I'll be back.  Maybe I won't.  But I wanted to remember this little thing that happened to me.

I keep looking at this picture from this weekend and I was trying to figure out why when it dawned on me.  It was pretty much pure happiness from playing around with my little cousin.  And for once, I didn't look at this picture and pick apart everything I wanted to change about me.   I didn't look at it and think 'I've got work to do still'.   I'm just happy.   It took a long time to get here and I can't guarantee that those thoughts aren't going to crop up from time to time, but to actually recognize that is a big deal.

And now back to my regular crossfit/eating schedule.... and work... maybe work.

Get Real Food Challenge - Final Thoughts

It's here!!

Get Real Food Challenge Update #2

There was supposed to be a vlog here yesterday, but my new computer was having none of that and I got too frustrated to fix it yesterday.  Or today.  So you get a blog.  Deal.

Food

Food wise was fairly good last week minus the times we went out to eat, but I stuck with paleo.  Umm.... except for me making a mistake with my pizza on Friday night and forgetting that I had to check 'no cheese' option when I ordered online.  So I ate a piece with it and then picked it off the rest.

Gym

Last week I felt off for most of the week and had trouble upping my weight on a lot of things.  However, during our special Monday workout, I actually managed a 2RM Turkish Get Up with 20lbs and majorly upped my box jumps.  Wahhoooo!  This week I've been PRing all over the place but I'll update that tomorrow.

Life

Sleep has been actually on a roll this week and despite feeling off and the stressors I've had, I've been well rested.  Some of those days were melatonin induced, but I'm okay with it.  Unfortunately this week started off with me trying to push down the stress eating cravings, but so far so good.

GOING FORWARD

Food 

My goal this week has been to take out my paleo treats and decrease my 'paleo approved sugars' to take down the stress eating cravings.  I didn't bake anything on Sunday, and instead prepped lots of veggies and protein to make it through.  Unfortunately, I also made maple cinnamon almond butter and someone needs to pry it out of my hands.  It's so good.

I'm also trying to up my water intake.  I've been slacking recently.  So the brita and I are now BFFs.

Gym

Trying to give it all no matter how I feel this week.  Pushing through and getting it done.  That's it that's all.

Life

My life goal is the same as the gym.  Approach things with positivity and every time my head gets into a vicious cycle of self doubt, counteract it with what is going right in my life at this very moment.

And a little something extra.... pictures and American Eagle LIE.

For those of you who saw that picture of me in my size 10 shorts and figured I was a 6-8.  Not so much.  AE is never consistent with their sizes depending on the cut.  Case in point:  I have 12s, 10s, 14s and they're all different.   I went in this weekend to try jeans on, and because EVERYTHING is flipping low rise, no 8s or 10s that I grabbed fit me.  Bah!

Fourth Time's a Charm?

You all already know what happened, but let's go back in time for a second and do some build up.

In 2003, I departed to university with this beast:

Or something along those lines... I don't actually remember the model, but it was a huge Dell Laptop that I had no desire to cart to class.  I think it also had a hefty price tag since it was loaded with everything that you could get in 2003.  DVD burner anyone?  Honestly, I don't know why I thought I needed that stuff.

Then one day while doing who knows what at my desk, I dumped a bottle of Diet Coke on that sucker.   Luckily it dried up, got all fixed, and lived a decent life when I wasn't yelling profanities at it for being huge and clunky and slow.

When I left for physio school, I decided to upgrade with my first Mac.  The very stylish black Macbook that was just a little bit better than the white ones, but not quite as expensive as the Pros at that point.

Picture this:  It's May 2-4 weekend and the library is closed because, well, it's a long weekend for 90% of everyone else in Canada, but not for us poor physio kids.  I was working away at my dining room table on my large cumulative project (change of environment?) with a nice cold glass of water instead of my normal bottle.  You know what happened.  Luckily, she revived herself and was good to go.  (Though I needed a new logic board a little later but it ended up being covered).

Until 6 months later when my screen started acting up.  I took it into Apple and they said to replace the hard drive (which I paid for since it was out of warranty by this point).  It didn't work.  I took it back in and then they told me that it was the logic board (again) and that it was due to water damage.  Conceding defeat, I ended up with a Macbook Pro.

I loved my Pro and treated her well.  She was just over 3 years old when I royally effed her up yesterday.

I had a bottle of acu disinfectant in my bag to take to work and my Mac.... I noticed halfway that my leg felt odd but didn't think anything of it until I got to work and tried to figure out why my leg was soaked.  Took a sec and then.... oh noooooooo.   The bottle had completely dumped in my bag which meant that my laptop (which was on) had been sitting in basically water for at least 5 minutes.

 I knew from the moment I picked her up and water poured out she was dead.  But Greg took her apart and let her dry in front of a fan over night.  We tried to turn her on this morning but no luck.  You could see what was corroded.  It just wasn't worth the salvage.

R.I.P. Pretty Macbook Pro.  I love you.

On to the new 13" Retina Display Macbook Pro.  There was a debate of which model I was going to get... but as soon as I saw this one I couldn't go back to the standard Pro.

She's just so light, and is so much smaller than my previous computer.  On top of all that, the new OS is a lot of fun to play with.

Pip approves.

I'll be back soon with a Get Real Food Challenge Vlog!

It's been a rough week....

This week has been full of ups and downs and stomach aches and frustrated workouts.

I've been sitting on a vlog I actually NEED to do since Sunday/Monday but haven't had the umph to get it done.  I'm hoping to have it up by tomorrow or Monday at the latest.  It's kinda necessary and should promote me doing more.

Let's start with the bad:

• Feeling sugar addicted again and wanting dessert and/or to stuff my face.  I don't know where it came from but I'm guessing stress and emotional eating triggers.  The good news is that I've resisted it, but it hasn't been easy.
• Alcohol.  With the vlog I need to get out haha, you'll know why, but I've been trying to keep the boozing to a minimum for the next 4-5 weeks and that just didn't happen this week.
• Getting frustrated with my lifts.  I get really testy when I can't nail my form and have to drop down in weight.  I know it's for my greater good, and I'm only 3 months in, but it would be nice to get out of Foundations.  Unfortunately, my coaches often get the wrath of frustrated OCD perfectionist cranky pants Kelly.
• That time I ate gluten.... I indulged with 1 homemade dumpling (but only 1/2 of the pastry) and a little bit of glass noodle salad and paid with my gluten baby for the rest of the day.   It was uncomfortable, but at least I can now l can laugh at it instead of curling up into a ball

The good:

• I managed to squeak out 6 reps at 63lbs for my bench.... last week I struggled to get 2 at 65 so it's a big change in a short time.
• I upped my box jump to about 20-22 inches... I should measure that.
• I did not let any of the bad things completely mess up my week and learned to accept and move on instead of dwelling on them.

Alright, I have a date with my oven.... not for fun baking, but cleaning.  Here goes!

February Thoughts

I was going to do a vlog today, and then I realized that I really wanted to ramble right now, and I didn't want to be that awkward person talking to her computer while she has friends over.  Well they're still in bed right now, but still.  Anyways.... this sums it up well:

Dumb face... don't ask...

 Also, I'm pretty sure I woke up with a sushi hangover and I also think this might have something to do with it:

Sushi on sushi on sushi

We went to an AYCE place at Queen/Yonge, and it's the first AYCE place that really impressed me.  First of all, it took zero time to get our food (though we were also kinda out of the dinner rush (it was only about 5pm) and the fish it's self was really good quality - totally the area in Toronto I think that dictated that.   I also had this odd but delicious roll called the Firehouse.  It was banana and shrimp with spicy mayo and tuna on top.  It was really oddly good.

Anyways, sushi hangover.  I did really well.  I didn't totally overeat, didn't use a ton of soya sauce, and tried to stick to things that weren't uber deep fried.  Unfortunately, I still woke up with that hangover dehydrated thing, though I'm wondering if it's also because of the fact that there were a ton of foods I wasn't used to eating anymore.  I also had a headache last night and again, I'm wondering if it was because of gluten.  Fun times.

Ugh I lost my train of thought there for a minute.

Anyways, this whole post was supposed to actually be about one thing:  coffee.

I'm hardcore addicted to the stuff.  I get massive headaches (when I normally get like 2 headaches a year and they're not that bad) when I don't have coffee in the morning.  It's dumb and I need to fix it.  On top of the fact that I think I'll sleep better if I get off the juice. 

Plan: this week is one in the morning.  Next week is 1/2 cup diluted.  And after that, I'm taking it by feel.   Now, I'm pretty sure I should kick all caffeine, but there's probably still going to be some of this in my life:

No, not the wine.  Promise.  I finally restocked on two of my favourite teas:  Oh Canada and Happy Kombucha.  These two are the bomb.  Oh Canada is one of the best Rooibos that I've had.  It doesn't get all soapy and has a great sweet flavour.  Happy Kombucha is one of the only fruity teas that I like hot or cold.  The best part about Oolong's too, is that you can brew them twice (or more) and the caffeine content decreases each time.  So though this guy's a bit expensive, it's actually kind of a steal.  I think you'll probably see me drinking this all day today.

I'll try to check in halfway through this process.... wish me luck!

A Letter To My Twelve Year Old Self

 A few days back, I read this article: http://www.dieselsc.com/letters-to-all-the-beautiful-little-girls-part-1/.  Immediately after, I thought, I really should write one for this ol' bloggy blog. 

Then I struggled with it for awhile.  I don't know if I would have changed the course of my life.  As much as I went through some very tough times as a kid/teen, I landed in a very amazing part of my life.  I found my confidence.  Snagged a pretty awesome boy.  Ended up with a couple adorable cats (ha).  And found a way to move/exercise that I love.

What would I write to my twelve year old self?

Actually, I think I'm about 10 here, but it still works.

Dear Kelly,

I know this time in your life really sucks.  Friendships that you thought would last forever are falling apart and your world is being turned upside down with the separation of your parents who you never saw fight or argue once.  You feel like your world is falling apart and so are you.  On top of all that, I know the self-hate you're struggling with.  Being teased and called fat for the last 12 years hasn't been kind to your self-esteem.  On top of that, your doctor is telling you you need to workout, but any activity = failure for your uncoordinated, clumsy self, and even worse, negative thinking.

You need to realize that you are you and that's okay.  Nerdy, clumsy, weird, smart.  These things are not bad things.  In fact, one day, you're going to have some really awesome people in your life that love you for that. 

Realize that food isn't just something that makes you gain weight, it's pretty vital to your health.  Realize that Weight Watchers points are not a game to try to get under everyday.  A diet pepsi and gum are not a well balanced lunch and they're not going to fuel your brain for being the awesome smarty pants you're going to be.

Look at yourself in the mirror every day and find something you love about yourself instead of looking into that mirror with loathing.  Love and respect your body for it is an amazing little machine (and I'm sorry, you're not going to grow any taller).  Don't let boys determine your self-worth or dictate your body image.  Love yourself.  I'm serious.  It's possible.

And lastly, find your voice.  Or realize that one day you will.   Though closing yourself down and becoming painfully shy will put up a shield around yourself that you think is going to prevent you from hurt, it's only going to delay some very amazing friendships and opportunities that are going to come your way.  Opening up to the people that matter will make you infinitely more happy.  To quote some Dr. Seuss "those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind".  Believe it.

Love, your 27 year old self.

(You'll even be able to grow your hair out one day AND straighten it with the invention of ceramic flat irons)

P.S.  Dye your hair whatever colour you want whenever you want.  Just be smart about bleaching those curls.

Crossfit Challenge and Progress Update Vlog

Lots of rambles again!  The best part comes at the end (of course!)

So you may have heard...

That I posted a vlog!

Go check it out.  I rambled more than I do here but there's a big success I wanted to share that comes at the end!

And if you want to know what I meant by bloating, this was the last time I posted a picture of it.  Right is normal, left is post gluten:

6:05am

6:05am is when my alarm goes off.  I usually grumble a bit (especially on Mondays) and lay there until about 6:12.   I finally roll myself out of bed and quickly get changed so I don't wake Greg.

I grumble a bit down the hallway and make some coffee and eat something small all the while trying to figure out how much time I have before I have to leave (and therefore how much I should eat).

By 6:40, the grumbling stops and I actually feel awake.

Out the door at 6:45, and in class by about 6:58.

I have NEVER been one to be at the gym before 8am.  Making this a routine has been really hard.

I need to remember at 6:05, that within a half hour or so I'll feel fine, and that extra hour of sleep isn't worth the energy I gain at the gym.

Pure Laziness

Maybe not pure laziness, but pretty damn lazy.  That's how I feel.

My dad and Gregers... it wasn't too long after this picture that my dad declared he was drunk and going to bed.

I actually booked myself off for the holidays for a whole week and a half and it's hard to believe so much of it is already over!  I spent the first weekend prepping for my parents to arrive and then when they did there was a lot of yummy cooking happening that I didn't take pictures of (whoops).  We had Greg's now infamous ribbies, steak, banana bread french toast, ham, brussel sprouts, and lots of bacon.  It was glorious. 

Even if you aren't paleo or hate paleo, you really need to make this banana bread. 

But not.  I'm not sure if it was the sheer amount I ate, or the chocolate chips in my banana bread that did me in, or maybe the alcohol, but I've spent the last few days with an angry stomach.  I was really hoping that I would avoid the Franklin/Hyland stomach issues but it appears I haven't.  Which is really sad.  Dairy and gluten make my stomach really angry and other things seem to upset it on a whim.  It's really frustrating. 

Local cider for the win!

Then there was the fact that Greg and I went out for our belated anniversary dinner at Fabbrica and I couldn't resist a piece of bread... or the tiramisu.  You can bet I felt like ass yesterday after not having gluten for close to 4 months. 

I also spent most of yesterday in my pajamas not moving off the couch.  I wasn't going to workout but I realized that there was  probably going to be a 4 day gap between workouts because of circumstances so I should probably get off my butt.  I finally made it off the couch for the 5pm workout.  It was sweaty and disgusting but so worth it.

It was also chilly since Toronto finally decided to have some snow.

Alright... it's almost 11 and I'm going to try to aim for the noon class today... guess I should probably put some workout clothes on or something.

Happy Holidays!  Nothing like flying a helicopter inside!

Random Stuff

I sat here for awhile trying to figure out what I wanted to write about today.  I don't have a clear plan.  Meh.  Let's see what happens.

Crossfit this morning was brutal and awesome all at the same time.  I went up by 15lbs on my squat and my form seems to be improving every time I try which is awesome.  I also feel a lot more confident with chin ups and pull ups.  With chin ups in my workout out, and man makers (eff me those things are tough!), toes to bar (I currently do knees to chest), and skipping as the WOD, my hands are toast.  They're starting to look about as rough as they did while I was working on the canal:

I made fish sticks last night for dinner and they were rockin'!  I'm trying to get more fish in my diet without just going out for sushi every other night.  I tried to make a butternut squash hash too but it kind of failed and I've also decided that I really don't love squash.  I'm still working on my feelings about the funky smelling vegetable.

Pecan crusted haddock. Mmm mmm good.

 

 

Speaking of going out.  Greg and I went out for an anniversary breakfast this morning.  It's kind of frustrating having to modify meals so much when you go out, and I can only ask for so much so the hash browns showed up on my plate and I had a hard time not picking at them.  Okay.... I had a few.... 

Okay, last thoughts for today:

 My cat's are adorable.

Monkeys dressed in coats at Ikea are freakin' hilarious. 

Learning to like...

1.  Black coffee.   Seriously?  Who knew black coffee could actually taste good?  I'm that person in your Starbucks who can never walk in there and just order coffee.  It's usually some form of crazy ass drink with 3-4 changes to it.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry to anyone who asks me if I want anything from Starbucks if they're going.  Anyways, the point of this ramble is that black coffee was never something I thought I could do.   On this whole Paleo challenge thing, one of the suggestions was to drink your coffee black, and ya know what?  It's actually pretty good!  Last night I even got a decaf americano.  Progress!

(Post-Crossfit hair)

2.  Me.  I took a picture of myself on the way to Peterborough on Saturday and I can tell you everything I hate about it:  I'm pale.  I'm tired.  I look chubby, etc.  But you know what?  My hair looks killer.  I love my makeup.  And I love that my eyes have gotten greener.  And I really look pretty good.  It's so hard to stop negative self-talk, but the only way to combat it is with positives.

3.  Spaghetti Squash/Substitute Carbs.  Let's talk about this.  Zucchini is not really a lasagna noodle, and no matter what anyone tells you, spaghetti squash does not replace fresh homemade pasta.  But sometimes it kind of tastes good.  And sometimes it's actually not so bad in a dish.  Promise!  Funny story about this one.

 As I was transferring pictures to use in this entry, I came across my screen cap for the recipe.  Last night I spent a half hour freaking that paleomg.com was down I couldn't see the ingredient list (can you tell I'm a baker by nature?  I can't deal without exact measurements),  and the damn ingredients were on my phone the entire time!

3b.  Side note:  changing up my cooking habits made me finally pull out my fancy Le Crueset cookware that I usually hate getting down because it's so heavy.

4.  Okay, we already know I love these two, but Greg wants me to post about our cats.  So here are our cats spooning.  Cutest thing ever.  How can you not like cats?  Also, we locked Pip in a closet for 24hrs this weekend.  Whoops.

The Truth

There are many reason why I haven't blogged in almost a month, and there are just as many for why my blog posts when down exponentially over the last couple months.

I wasn't feeling it partly because the 'Operation Get Fit' wasn't showing any progress.  I was stalled and very much reverting back to some old habits.  Think wine, nachos just because I went to the gym, and too much of healthy 'treats'.

I definitely wasn't getting bigger, but I wasn't getting stronger or smaller either.

Then there was that disastrous doctor's appointment where I got to hear about my weight again.

With all that weighing on me, yes weighing on me, I finally kicked myself in the ass and joined a Crossfit Box.  Part of the reason I dipped out of posting was because I didn't want to become a crazy obsessive Crossfit blogger.  But realistically, it was the right choice for me:  a girl who liked weights but had a hard time pushing myself.

Up at 6:30am to workout???

 I'm almost a month into it, and loving it.   The workouts are hard and intense and I'm loving it.  Working my way up to less resistance pull-ups, deadlifting #115, benching #55, while not sounding like crazy accomplishments, they are for me.

I also am working with their awesome nutrition expert Summer, and working my way through a strict paleo-esque diet up until the holidays.   It's been a little bit of a battle but I'd say 1 week in, I'm averaging 95% and finally reading labels.  I've got another 3 weeks to go, so we'll see what happens.  She even did the whole skip caliper body fat % thing.  The good news is, it's not as bad as I thought.  The bad, it's definitely in the obese range.  Yup, Kelly, the exercise junkie is still considered obese.

With that, I'll try to be back.  I'll post some awesome things I've been making lately in my kitchen.  I'll remember that this blog is for me.

Random pictures of stuff I should have blogged about but didn't:

27th birthday dinner with one of the best Food Network chefs!

Typical few days of strength at Crossfit

Finally got my shipment of Vermont PB (in limited quantities until challenge is over)

Yum yum Paleo dinner!

Amazing paleo pumpkin french toast!

When even the ones who know better don't

I know better.  I really really know better.

Last week I did a particularly rough lower body workout and felt on top of the world.

The next day I did my favourite spin class.

Unfortunately, 5 minutes in I could barely move the pedals.   My legs were on fire, but I figured that it would pass as soon as I warmed up.  But it didn't.

I'm now regulated to sitting on my ass for the last week waiting for my back to heal.  I'm stretching as much as I can and getting acupuncture, but it's taking it's sweet time.

I wish I could say I was eating clean and it would all be okay, but I kinda fell off the wagon with a few too many hallowe'en treats and eating out a bit too much.

Tomorrow is another day though.  Hoping to try out kickboxing tomorrow and then I have something big (possibly) on the horizon. 

November is Here!

Eeeek!  November has finally arrived!   I'm excited because it means two things:   Snow should be arriving soon (hopefully) and in 16 days it will be my birthday!

With the arrival of November, I'm starting to form some new goals.   Basically, I'm a bit stuck and frustrated with my 'progress' but I'm also debating whether I really want to give up even more just to be smaller. 

This week, I went to my doctor's for my physical, and while it wasn't my worst doctor experience, it was still frustrating as hell.  She told me my weight (which was just such a bad thing, the last few days has been a bit of a rollercoaster) and gave me the spiel about my BMI being high and how I should count calories and blah blah blah.  Apparently, I'm the exact same weight as I was 6-8 months ago.  I really could go on and on about how doctor's take that number, and BMI (WHICH WE ALL KNOW ISN'T  a good measure) and don't focus on my perfect blood pressure or blood work.  I am healthy when you look at that.  Good blood sugars, good cholesterol, good thyroid, etc.  Sigh.  My other favourite comment had to be "Oh, beautiful tattoos, do you want to be checked for HIV?".

Now that the rant is over.  What are my goals?

1.  Blog 3-5 times per week.  Half the time I don't think I have anything interesting to say, but I have to remember this blog is for me, not everyone else in the world.

2. Naked run 3 times per week.  No, I don't mean run naked.  I mean outside, without gadgets, and just going for as long as I think I can.  No more numbers.*

3. Stretching!  Remember to stretch.  I love stretching, but I felt like I didn't have time for it over the last month or so.  That way of thinking lead to a very angry back.

4.  Monitor my water intake.  Try for at least 4 water bottles at work, and another 4 glasses while at home.

5.  Decrease the wine.   One glass, 3 times per week. 

*I know if you read this blog, you probably think I should give up on running already, but I really want to fall back in love with it, and I fully intend to do another duathlon

Okay guys, I think that's all.  Hopefully I can make November and December my best months!

We All Know What Happens When We Assume...

This rant is brought to by making an ass out of you and me.


After having a good rant on this dude changes his web name too much blog, I got to experience a bit of first hand assuming that drove me so bonkers last night.

One thing that took me a really long time to understand is to stop judging people at the gym.  Everyone has their own goals in their head and you're best to just leave them alone and well 'do you'.

Granted, I do silently judge when something looks so wrong I'm 99% sure I'm going to see them in my clinic later, but I keep it to myself and go about my thing.

What I haven't really talked about on this blog is that I'm halfway through Jamie Eason's Live Fit.

I love it, but I'm saving a review for later.

To begin with, I was pretty pumped to walk in to my gym to find the squat rack empty.  Silently I did a little whoop in my head and BEE LINED it over.   My first exercise was a narrow stance squat, something I've never done before.  I was playing around with which muscles I was using and going slow with just the bar.  I thought I was doing okay when a fellow gym goer caught my attention.  I removed my earbuds thinking he would ask me how many sets I had left.

WRONG.

He proceeded to tell me that I should do a wider stance and interrupted my workout for a good 5 minutes after I explained that I was trying to do narrow stance.  This convo included how I was going to wreck my back and knees.  NO SHIT.  That's why I'm low weight and trying to get it right.

20 minutes later I started double walking lunges.  Step-down-up-down-step.  He catches me at the end of a set and the exchange goes like this:

Guy:  Double Lunges eh?  Pretty tough.

Me: Yeah, my legs are dead after that set.

Guy:  You know you don't have to kill yourself

Me:  Meh, I know my body pretty well, I'll go down in weight if I need to.

Guy:  You know, bodybuilding.com has some pretty tough programs.  There's this other site called T-----nation----dot---com that has some good programs.  Not so hard.

Me:  Yeah, I know that site. *starting to fume*

Guy: So what's your name.

Me: Kelly.

Guy: I'm *blahblahblahnolongerlisteningblahblahblah*

Me: Cool.  Have a good workout.

I wish I could have accurately described how small he made me feel.  I avoided going near him the rest of my workout. 

What I'm assuming:  He thought I didn't look 'fit' enough to be doing what I was doing.  Just because I'm 5'1" and somewhere around the 160 mark does NOT mean I'm out of shape or inept at lifting weights.  Just because I haven't quite got the form down, doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. 

The worst part:  I turn my physio brain off when I walk out the door of my work.  I had NO capacity to say something back to him.


I just hope I don't have to see him at the gym again.

The Number Game

I had a thought yesterday. 

Actually, I surprisingly have many thoughts on a regular basis but not every one of them is sane. 

My thought was this:  I've spent a majority of my 26 years focused on numbers.  My pant size.  The number on the scale.  How many points/calories I've ate.  How many times did I go to the gym that week. 

I've done away with two of these numbers.  I haven't set foot on a scale in over two months.  It has been the most freeing experience of my life.  Especially because I take pictures of my progress every month or so.  I don't have shitty days because I weighed myself.  I don't beat myself up over not losing from one week to the next.  Oh I pigged out on sushi and have sodium bloat?  I don't react twice as bad since I don't see the number momentarily go up.

I've also stopped counting calories.  I try to fit too much crap into my day if I do.  Instead, I give my body what it wants (even if it means a burger and fries or chocolate).  I don't care about calories.  I care about maxing my protein which seems to mean I eat less.

I have one more to give up this week. 

My pant size. 

I'm not sure what I started out as prior to this journey.   I know I had a pair of size 12 jeggings that were pretty snug and some stretchy lulus.  But that's about the extent of what I wore.

I now seem to be about an 11/12. 

But really.  What does it matter?

As long as I'm healthy, happy, and seeing strength gains and body composition gains, I don't need to worry about fitting into a size 8.  It's been my goal for so long to get back to an 8.  Today, I'm letting it go.  I may get back there one day or I may not.

I thought about why I wanted an 8 sooooo bad.  It's all I've wanted for 2 years.  I realized it's because it's not a "plus size" number.  Sure, I guess a 12 is considered the plus size, but a 10 is still double digits.  In my head, I needed to shun that number.  *please note I think all women are beautiful no matter what their size.  It was something I had built in my head.*

You know what?  I don't care anymore.

I'm happy with my progress.  


Numbers are just numbers.  They can't hurt me.