Why Hello Again Blog World

I wrote new blog posts probably once a month since I went MIA on here.  Well, more like I wrote half of them and then deleted them all or left them unfinished.

I had too much on my mind to make a cohesive post.  Hell, I still do.   I questioned why I was even blogging.  I didn't really feel I had anything unique to bring to the conversation.  I eat.  I crossfit.  I do a few fun things here and there.  I'm not any different than the average health/fitness blogger.  

And then yesterday I decided, who cares?  Why should I write this for anyone but me?  I've always only ever wrote for me.  Yeah, people read it.  Even people who know me in real life.  But this little space here is all mine.

So here's my post for today.  Maybe I'll be back.  Maybe I won't.  But I wanted to remember this little thing that happened to me.

I keep looking at this picture from this weekend and I was trying to figure out why when it dawned on me.  It was pretty much pure happiness from playing around with my little cousin.  And for once, I didn't look at this picture and pick apart everything I wanted to change about me.   I didn't look at it and think 'I've got work to do still'.   I'm just happy.   It took a long time to get here and I can't guarantee that those thoughts aren't going to crop up from time to time, but to actually recognize that is a big deal.

And now back to my regular crossfit/eating schedule.... and work... maybe work.

Perspective

Today is Tuesday, March 26th and I'm giving up the scale again for a month.


I've been consistently seeing loses every week for the past few weeks and feeling lighter, smaller, and stronger.

When I stepped on the scale today my heart kind of sunk a bit and I could feel the bad thoughts bubbling up.  Staying the same is hard.

I also know that I had food yesterday and the day before that would probably make me not lose.  I've also not slept well the last two nights.  These are things I need to remember.

I also need to remember that the scale DOES NOT MATTER.  My head knows this, but every time I don't lose my brain goes on overdrive and I think that I will never lose another pound and the scale is going to go up.  Dumb.

The other thing that convinced me to get off the scale?

Today I managed to get 5 reps with 145lbs for my deadlift!  More satisfactory than any number on a scale!  My last try was barely 3 reps.  I'm hoping that a 1-2RM will show up soon so I can test whether or not I've hit goal!   I can't wait!

And this picture reminds me of how far I've come!  I'm back in jeans I haven't worn in years, and they're starting to feel loose!

Time to get rid of that scale again Kelly.  Until April 26th, I WILL NOT get on the scale.

Get Real Food Challenge - Final Thoughts

It's here!!

Get Real Food Challenge and Swimsuits

The Get Real Food Challenge is coming to an end on Monday (with a weekend that's going to prove a little tough in the food department) and I'll have a wrap up post coming soon.

This week, things clicked again and my stomach started to feel so much better.  No waking up with an angry tummy.  This week taught me to be more in tune with how full I am.  Once I put everything on a plate, a lot of times I'll eat it all and that's not always needed.  With the time change, I've been feeling off and not so hungry this week, so if I felt like I was done eating, I was.  That's it that's all.  There's not much else to say, except that, for this week.  I feel like the rest will come in my wrap up post!

On to other more exciting things for you readers...

In my 2013 Goals, I listed that I wanted to feel confident in my swimsuit this year.  Sooooo, in typical Kelly fashion, I ended up taking photos in my current bikini.

I'm actually pretty happy with the way it's looking now compared to last summer (last summer I HAD to wear shorts due to my hips' love for looking all muffin toppy.  The top fits perfectly this time around instead of my boobs hanging out every where.   I just want it to fit my lower half just as well.  So that's what I'm aiming for.  OR I'm going to just get some new bottoms.... OR a new bikini.   I should have known when I bought these that the bottoms were a little skimpy for what I usually wear.  

Progress is progress is progress.  Even if it's more about getting it through my head that I can wear a swimsuit without covering up.  Let's see what happens with these pictures when summer is officially here and I'm spending my time jumping in lakes!

Hey There Plateau

Not this morning, but appropriate for this post.

This month has been tough outside of the whole workout/healthy eating realm that is this blog.   As much as I'd love to blather on about it here, it's not the place, and I need to cope with it.  I've been dealing heavily with feelings of wanting to stress eat over the last 1-2 weeks and not giving in, but I'm sure it's been clouding my food judgement.

I'm not entirely sure what went wrong this month (okay I have a suspicion), but I went into this morning not necessarily expecting great things, but hoping.


The good is that I'm down 1.5lbs.  The not so good is that my measurements didn't change at all this month.  At least it's not a gain?

I'm annoyed, and it set my morning off in a funk that I'm trying to mentally get through.

These things happen, and being stressed about it on top of everything else isn't worth it.

Tomorrow is March 1st, and I'm going to step into it with renewed dedication and drive.

I will break this plateau.  I will meet my goal of being as happy as I can with my body/self-image by the summer.  It will be okay.

Get Real Food Challenge Update #2

There was supposed to be a vlog here yesterday, but my new computer was having none of that and I got too frustrated to fix it yesterday.  Or today.  So you get a blog.  Deal.

Food

Food wise was fairly good last week minus the times we went out to eat, but I stuck with paleo.  Umm.... except for me making a mistake with my pizza on Friday night and forgetting that I had to check 'no cheese' option when I ordered online.  So I ate a piece with it and then picked it off the rest.

Gym

Last week I felt off for most of the week and had trouble upping my weight on a lot of things.  However, during our special Monday workout, I actually managed a 2RM Turkish Get Up with 20lbs and majorly upped my box jumps.  Wahhoooo!  This week I've been PRing all over the place but I'll update that tomorrow.

Life

Sleep has been actually on a roll this week and despite feeling off and the stressors I've had, I've been well rested.  Some of those days were melatonin induced, but I'm okay with it.  Unfortunately this week started off with me trying to push down the stress eating cravings, but so far so good.

GOING FORWARD

Food 

My goal this week has been to take out my paleo treats and decrease my 'paleo approved sugars' to take down the stress eating cravings.  I didn't bake anything on Sunday, and instead prepped lots of veggies and protein to make it through.  Unfortunately, I also made maple cinnamon almond butter and someone needs to pry it out of my hands.  It's so good.

I'm also trying to up my water intake.  I've been slacking recently.  So the brita and I are now BFFs.

Gym

Trying to give it all no matter how I feel this week.  Pushing through and getting it done.  That's it that's all.

Life

My life goal is the same as the gym.  Approach things with positivity and every time my head gets into a vicious cycle of self doubt, counteract it with what is going right in my life at this very moment.

And a little something extra.... pictures and American Eagle LIE.

For those of you who saw that picture of me in my size 10 shorts and figured I was a 6-8.  Not so much.  AE is never consistent with their sizes depending on the cut.  Case in point:  I have 12s, 10s, 14s and they're all different.   I went in this weekend to try jeans on, and because EVERYTHING is flipping low rise, no 8s or 10s that I grabbed fit me.  Bah!

Changing the Mental Game

Part of the problem (or at least my problem) of being chubby, losing weight, putting a significant amount back on, and working my bum off to get it back off, is the toll it's taken on my mental health.

The good news is that my self-hatred for my body has basically been erradicated.  I truly believe that if I was to stay at this size for awhile, I'd be okay with it.  I'm proud of what I've worked at to achieve, and so excited to keep pushing forward.  But if nothing were to happen, if I were to plateau, it'd be okay.

The problem now then?

I still have scale issues.  In the last 3 weeks,  I've been on the scale 3 times.  All favourable results, yes, but every time I get on that scale and feel that little twitch in my tummy of happiness, I wonder what I'm going to feel like if the scale doesn't budge for awhile or if it even goes up.   I can't let a number have power over me. That's not how this works.

It's February 5th, and I'm not getting back on the scale until the end of the month.  Nope.


Anyways..... other things that happened in the last few days:

I'm now down 11lbs and seated in the 150s again (okay 159, but I'll take it!).

I bought a new lulu gym outfit.  Hooray for matching! Though I need to figure out what else to pair with the crops.

I also bought a new shirt from Le Chateau and it was only $9.99.   Score.  I never buy anything from Le Chateau since it's not really my style and it's always pricy.

And then I bought some MAC too which is currently on my face :)  Good shopping weekend.  Bad for my bank account.  Whoops!


OH!  I signed up for a whole year of Crossfit!  It also means that it's significantly cheaper per month now!   Pretty excited to see what the next year may bring.

January Progress

January 1st, I decided to join the masses with a goal/challenge to myself. 

I was going to get serious with my diet.

I was going to stop drinking.

I'm no alcoholic, but a glass of wine would make it into my nightly routine 2-4 times a week.  Sometimes less, sometimes more on the weekend.

I have this weird thing.  Often, I struggle with self-control and impulse.  Other times, I can cut out things in my life with no problem.  Diet pepsi, the first time I lost weight,  daily Starbucks. 

Cutting out wine was the latter.  The first week was a little tough, and then I was flying. 

With renewed dedication, and being strong willed, I cut out wine and got serious in the gym.

December, sick on January 2, January 31.

Over the course of January, I lost 7.5lbs and I'm sure a bunch of inches.  I'm really starting to notice that clothes are fitting me differently and starting to notice greater ease with body weight exercies at the gym. 

While I'm never going to get rid of my genetically endowed legs, the difference between these three pics show how much more muscular they look.  First picture: all hips.  Second picture: quaaaads!

February is a shorter month, and is starting off with drinks with friends, but last night I kept it to a minimum and ate well.   I'm hoping to keep the January momentum and keep seeing changes.

All that said, if I was to stay right here, at about 160lbs, with this body,  I think I'd be okay with it.  It's amazing what losing 10lbs and gaining mass amounts of strength has done for my confidence.

Here's to taking it one day, one week, one month at a time!

Crossfit Challenge and Progress Update Vlog

Lots of rambles again!  The best part comes at the end (of course!)

So you may have heard...

That I posted a vlog!

Go check it out.  I rambled more than I do here but there's a big success I wanted to share that comes at the end!

And if you want to know what I meant by bloating, this was the last time I posted a picture of it.  Right is normal, left is post gluten:

A Long Time Coming...

The title of this post is about 3 fold.  

Partly, I wanted to post this earlier in the week after I made 2 really significant tweets about my weight and goals.  It's now Sunday, but that's okay.  I'm getting it done now and that's what matters.

The other two meanings behind this post are a lot more in depth.  

First off, after how many years of trying to get rid of the weight I put back on, I've managed to fit into an old pair of size 10 jeans I've had hanging around for possibly 3 years.  They were kind of tight when I bought them... and I just remembered I have a really awkward picture of me in them from when I got them!  Oh photobucket, thank you for keeping all of my photos.

 

Anyways, the point is, I've been trying them on off and on over the last few years just to see.  It usually ended up with me in tears and hating on myself.  But not this time!

Yes, I totally picked at the hole in them until I blew it out, but they fit!  And I even wore them in public today!  Super exciting stuff.  It's only been 2 months since changing my diet and exercise program and I'm seeing such results that it's keeping me incredibly motivated.  It was so frustrating to see no changes no matter how hard I tried.  To see changes in terms of pant size pushes me to keep going.  I'm down at least a pant size, though it's hard to tell since most of my pants are stretchy.  Think jeggings and lulu.

The last and deepest thoughts that occurred to me this week is how comfortable I've become.  I'm not pulling at my clothes, and to be honest, if I was to plateau here, I think I'd be okay.  Negative self-talk in terms of my body image used to be a constant that I could never get away from.  I realized earlier in the week that it's gone.  I look in the mirror and I DON'T pick myself apart any more.  I don't hate on all the 'flaws'.   I really think that's been a key to success this time around.  Because of my better all around body image, I'm happier and my goals have definitely changed.  Rather than being focused on a number or pant size, I want to get stronger.  I want to be able to do an unassisted chin up.  I want to deadlift my body weight.  I want to be able to do burpees faster. 

I love this new outlook, and I will try my best to keep things positive.

 

CrossFit: 6 weeks in

Yes, it's Sunday, two days before Christmas, and I'm blogging.

It's Sunday morning, I'm bored, and I'm avoiding doing the cleaning I need to do before my parents arrive... or the baking... shhhhhh.   And I may be watching Home Alone.

Anyways...

Coming to you is another Crossfit post. 

The reason I think I love Crossfit isn't because I've just drank the kool-aid.  I did have a little sip and I am now looking for perfect minimal shoes but yeah, I also plan on running again soon and biking and all that jazz.

I like Crossfit because I get a group feel while lifting and having someone push me and teach me (even when I roll my eyes when they say to add more weight) means I'm making gains so quickly it astounds me.

When Amy mentioned how she would never be able to box jump, I realized I hadn't done them in awhile.  And my last time was a bit of a disaster.  Luckily there wasn't any skin broken on my shins, but my pride was frustrated.

Saturday was day 4/4 for me which means no Metcon!  I chipped away at my little workout knowing that the last couple things I had to do were probably going to be frustrating: box jumps and double unders.

The double unders were NOT a success today.  The coach laughed at me because I definitely slammed the rope down a few times after whipping my forearms.

The box jumps though?  Awesome.

1.  The last time I was struggling to get onto the 12 inch box which has a 1 inch lift on it.... I nailed it first set.
2.  Okay, so I added a plate.
3.  And then I added a higher plate
4.  And then I added both and I still may have been able to do a bit more!

I'm very much excited for what the new year brings!  My goal?  A 20 inch box jump!

1 Month Check-In

I am SO HAPPY.  I can't believe it.  I really can't.  Weighing myself etc never ends well.  It usually ends up with me in a corner crying and declaring I need wine, STAT.

So you can imagine that I may not have gone into today all that excited.  I thought I had seen changes... but that usually didn't really mean much.

BUT today, today there were changes.

Tired Kelly is tired.

I lost 2lbs which I was happy with.  It put me in the 160s for the first time in over a year. 

I was given a goal of 2-3% body fat loss and I nailed it.  I ended up losing 2.8%.   The biggest change for me was in my stomach which is my problem area and the place I have always hated.  My stomach caliper measurement went down by 25%.  That is just huge!

My goal is to get through the next 2 weeks without eating and drinking my face off and then kill January!

I can see an end point.... only 5-6% body fat to go to get into my first goal.

Tuesday is my blogging day...

I always get the urge to blog on Tuesdays.  I think it's because I get my workout done early and then don't have to be at work until noon.  Then I realize I haven't blogged in a week so I probably should get on that.

This week has been good.  I'm finally starting to notice the effects of paleo/primal in terms of cravings.   I had to go to a Christmas party over the weekend, and for once I didn't want to stuff my face with cheese and desserts.  But believe me that cheese did look kinda tasty.   I also went back for seconds of the salad.  Who goes back for more salad?  Gosh.  I did however have some wine, which has been my one weakness through this entire thing.  Okay and the dark chocolate peanut butter in my cupboard.  My plan is to get through this month, and then completely cut out the wine for a month just for kicks. 

Other stuff that happened this week:  I did my first attempt at a Crossfit Lady, Fran, and came up not too bad considering.   Though I couldn't Rx the weight and I still need pull-up bands but that's okay!  I'm getting there.

I'm not sure if I see more muscle there or if I'm just better at flexing.

 Thursday is my first checkpoint with Crossfit and I'm nervous.  Did giving 95% result in a decent amount of change?  It's so hard to see it on yourself which is why I take a million pictures of myself.  Pshhht.  Okay, I'm just vain.

Alright, I better get myself together... time to drink some tea and get ready for my workday.  4 more days til vacation!!
 

What Crossfit is Teaching Me.

1.  I am stronger than I think I am.  

I admit, I probably wasn't lifting as heavy as I could have been while doing the Live Fit Program.   Actually, I know I wasn't now.   Today, I PRed my deadlift at 135lbs.   Nothing crazy, but considering I ONLY did Romanian deadlifts prior, and even that was only around the 60lb mark, I'm stoked.  My first goal is 170lbs (or a body weight deadlift) and I'm getting so close!  And if I have lost weight I'll be even closer.  Awesome!!  

2.  I am way more competitive than I thought I was.

I am so competitive in other areas of my life, but fitness has never been something I considered something I would ever excel at, and therefore, there was no reason to be competitive with someone.  Doing WODs, I push myself harder when there's someone beside me and I constantly want to improve and be better than myself and to catch up to the pack.

3.  I am athletic.

This thought was partly prompted by Crossfit and partly by a client who asked me what got me into my profession and if I played any sports.  I always say no, but.   My but is that I've done a duathlon, I've ran races, and I workout a lot.  And now I say I do Crossfit.  He was astounded that I do all that and said it was way harder than what he did (baseball) and that it was really hardcore.  I have NEVER considered myself an athlete or athletic.  Especially after flailing through gym class and multiple trials at sports as a kid.  It's really hard to consider myself an athlete.  But I AM.  I need to stop seeing the grade 9 girl who finished the 1 mile run last and in like 15 minutes.  That's not me anymore.


It really is time to stop beating myself up and start building myself up.  Back to it tomorrow or Saturday, depending on how sore I am from the insanity today!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today's workout made me face fears.  I'm comfortable lifting things up and putting them down.

I'm not comfortable with anything that involves my body weight.

I suck at boy push ups.  I can't do a pull up/chin up to save my life.  And the idea of lifting my body weight up to get up onto something freaks me the eff out.  I blame being the kid who could never actually get up on the stage at school by jumping up and turning around. 

Today's workout had rope climbs, moves with the rings, and l-sits which were supposed to be skin the cats which looks like this:

 Actually, it was even worse because there was supposed to be a pike thing at the top too.  Ughhhhh.

Stuff was going okay.  Kinda.  Okay, I had a million variations until I got to the last two moves.

About that.  I almost landed on my face a few times with the front leaning and only managed to squeak out 5-10 seconds at a time.

The support hold?  I stared at it for 5 minutes before I even tried.   I ended up needing support of a resistance band and at best I could hold for about 20seconds.  It was a mess.

BUT I did things I never in the world thought I would even try to do.

I may have sucked but it was a still a step forward. 

I leave you with this goodie.  It cracks me up every time I see it!

The Truth

There are many reason why I haven't blogged in almost a month, and there are just as many for why my blog posts when down exponentially over the last couple months.

I wasn't feeling it partly because the 'Operation Get Fit' wasn't showing any progress.  I was stalled and very much reverting back to some old habits.  Think wine, nachos just because I went to the gym, and too much of healthy 'treats'.

I definitely wasn't getting bigger, but I wasn't getting stronger or smaller either.

Then there was that disastrous doctor's appointment where I got to hear about my weight again.

With all that weighing on me, yes weighing on me, I finally kicked myself in the ass and joined a Crossfit Box.  Part of the reason I dipped out of posting was because I didn't want to become a crazy obsessive Crossfit blogger.  But realistically, it was the right choice for me:  a girl who liked weights but had a hard time pushing myself.

Up at 6:30am to workout???

 I'm almost a month into it, and loving it.   The workouts are hard and intense and I'm loving it.  Working my way up to less resistance pull-ups, deadlifting #115, benching #55, while not sounding like crazy accomplishments, they are for me.

I also am working with their awesome nutrition expert Summer, and working my way through a strict paleo-esque diet up until the holidays.   It's been a little bit of a battle but I'd say 1 week in, I'm averaging 95% and finally reading labels.  I've got another 3 weeks to go, so we'll see what happens.  She even did the whole skip caliper body fat % thing.  The good news is, it's not as bad as I thought.  The bad, it's definitely in the obese range.  Yup, Kelly, the exercise junkie is still considered obese.

With that, I'll try to be back.  I'll post some awesome things I've been making lately in my kitchen.  I'll remember that this blog is for me.

Random pictures of stuff I should have blogged about but didn't:

27th birthday dinner with one of the best Food Network chefs!

Typical few days of strength at Crossfit

Finally got my shipment of Vermont PB (in limited quantities until challenge is over)

Yum yum Paleo dinner!

Amazing paleo pumpkin french toast!

The Number Game

I had a thought yesterday. 

Actually, I surprisingly have many thoughts on a regular basis but not every one of them is sane. 

My thought was this:  I've spent a majority of my 26 years focused on numbers.  My pant size.  The number on the scale.  How many points/calories I've ate.  How many times did I go to the gym that week. 

I've done away with two of these numbers.  I haven't set foot on a scale in over two months.  It has been the most freeing experience of my life.  Especially because I take pictures of my progress every month or so.  I don't have shitty days because I weighed myself.  I don't beat myself up over not losing from one week to the next.  Oh I pigged out on sushi and have sodium bloat?  I don't react twice as bad since I don't see the number momentarily go up.

I've also stopped counting calories.  I try to fit too much crap into my day if I do.  Instead, I give my body what it wants (even if it means a burger and fries or chocolate).  I don't care about calories.  I care about maxing my protein which seems to mean I eat less.

I have one more to give up this week. 

My pant size. 

I'm not sure what I started out as prior to this journey.   I know I had a pair of size 12 jeggings that were pretty snug and some stretchy lulus.  But that's about the extent of what I wore.

I now seem to be about an 11/12. 

But really.  What does it matter?

As long as I'm healthy, happy, and seeing strength gains and body composition gains, I don't need to worry about fitting into a size 8.  It's been my goal for so long to get back to an 8.  Today, I'm letting it go.  I may get back there one day or I may not.

I thought about why I wanted an 8 sooooo bad.  It's all I've wanted for 2 years.  I realized it's because it's not a "plus size" number.  Sure, I guess a 12 is considered the plus size, but a 10 is still double digits.  In my head, I needed to shun that number.  *please note I think all women are beautiful no matter what their size.  It was something I had built in my head.*

You know what?  I don't care anymore.

I'm happy with my progress.  


Numbers are just numbers.  They can't hurt me.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

It's goals of the week day!

But first, how my week went.

Honestly, I had a week that could really have gone either way.   It started out really good, and on Wednesday I woke up with a gimpy hamstring and a bit of right back pain and that familiar little itch in the back of my throat.  I was terrified I was getting sick right when things were falling into place.

I wasn't wrong.  As Wednesday progressed, I started feeling worse and worse.  Luckily, I was done work stupidly early and caught my coworker between clients to do some acupuncture on my back and hammy, some ART, and apparently put some ribs back in.  I dragged myself home and did some cleaning, and proceeded to prop myself up on the couch for the rest of the night.  Thursday rolled around and this happened:

I didn't move out of bed until 9am and just refused to do anything all morning.  I had a very busy day at work and couldn't risk making my cold worse if I did cardio and I had zero energy to do weights.  I took it easy and perked up a bit that night for a little pub salad and glass of vino.

Luckily, my recent bout of getting healthier seems to have done my immune system good and I've been feeling better since.  Not perfect, but I got back into the exercise swing pretty easily.

*warning, underwear pics coming up*

I also have to say I'm finally seeing some changes over the last week or so.  I haven't decided what this should be credited to.  Taking out gluten?  Upping protein?  Being consistent with my workouts?  All of the above (probably)?

The first picture is about 3 months apart, and the second is 1 month apart.  The crazy thing to me, is that I've stopped using a calorie counter, stopped getting on the scale, and I've seen the most results in the last few weeks. 

Mmmmm breakfast!

I've also been working really hard to make sure I eat things that feel like indulgences to me but are actually really good for me.  Take this Pumpkin Powercake.  So darn good. 

ENOUGH RAMBLING KELLY.  What are your goals this week?

I actually only have one: Keep it up!  I felt really good this week.  Very balanced work, workout, life, etc wise and I need to keep it up.  The next few weeks are going to prove a bit stressful so I just need to keep it going.